How it all began.

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

I have always been a worrier, someone who hated change or the unexpected. Its part of who I am and until recently I have not found it to be harmful. A little worry makes you pay attention, it keeps you aware, it makes you safe. A little worry is helpful; a lot of worry is terrifying, paralyzing, depressing. I became paralyzed by my anxiety, depressed by my inability to overcome it, and overall overwhelmingly unhappy and hopeless. At 21 I felt like life had been put on hold, but was, at the same time, spiraling rapidly out of my control. Going to the supermarket became an all-consuming task, going to work became unimaginable. I lived with a brick on my chest, never being able to fully draw breath. Sleep stopped being restful and became frightening and fraught with questions. I hated being me. I hated waking up. I hated going to sleep. I was afraid to leave the house. I stopped socialising and slowly watched all but a few of my friends drift away. Its not that I didn't care, but more that I couldn't. I was so exhausted from my 24/7 job of worrying for the entire world that I didn't have any energy to pick up the phone or go out for a drink, or I left the house to drink myself into oblivion, thankful for the dutch courage and illusion of friends it provided me with. I started eating a lot and completely stopped exercising. I stopped recognizing any good in myself, then eventually stopped looking at myself all together. While all this was happening I continued to work, and tried to put on a brave face. I became manic, ecstatically happy and enthusiastic out of the house, embarrassed by what I was feeling and what I had become. This was the most horrible time of my life, it was so so hard, but I am lucky to have amazing family and beautiful close friends, a supportive and loving boyfriend. I got help. I saw a doctor, got some medication to immediately help me with my symptoms and help me calm down enough to start working on myself again inside and out. I have been doing this all for about a year now, with setbacks, dramas, tantrums and life all happening in between. But lately, I am feeling good. I am feeling strong. I am ready to set goals and start moving forward with my life. But I am also aware of my limits. I'm not "fixed" when it comes to mental health I don't know if there is ever a "cure" but there are ways to manage various conditions. For me, I don't want this to include lifelong medication, I want it to be about making positive steps towards happiness. That's why I have created a list of goals, with 8 years to achieve them. I can break my goals down into small, manageable pieces to achieve over time. Small, confidence building steps, to help me build my life up into the beautiful shining beacon of positivity that I know it can be. I hope you can come along with me on this journey. Love E x